The Journal

Of late, I have not been very active on this blog. I have alot on my plate , trying to juggle all the different areas of my life. It appears that I have fallen into the category of the  woman who tries to  keep everyone else happy and sometimes forgets about herself.

When I was young, I had this inner stirring to write. Though I considered applying to the Star newspaper for a job, I didnt have the confidence then, to do it. Now, many years later, I realise that  I hadn't listened to that intuitive call.

I had started keeping a journal even in my primary years. I wrote on pieces of paper, not knowing that it was called journalling. It seemed very natural then and served as an outlet to release my pentup emotions.  It was in my journal that I felt safe enough to voice my innermost thoughts and feelings about the perceived injustices and inequalities of my young life. Being born into a predominantly male family, you could say that I was already a feminist by age nine.

Journaling is a form of self therapy. Today, the journal is a tool recommended by many therapists and counsellors. There are even books on how to journal and the benefits of journalling.  A journal can help you figure out how you feel, what you think, what you need, what you want to say, how you want to handle a situation, just by writing it through.

You don't need to think of yourself as a writer or even like to write. What you can do is a kind of free writing or stream-of-consciousness writing. Choose a topic which you feel you need to express. If possible, set aside a time each day to write. Write without stopping. You needn't use full sentences. You needn't spell or punctuate properly. It can be in English or another language. It's not about trying to make sense to someone else. Rather it's a way to short-circuit some of your censors to get to what you need to say. 

Writing is therapeutic. It is a tool which we can use to heal ourselves. Through the years, I have written letters of closure to my late grandmother and even my pets. The best thing about it is that it is quiet, cheap and portable.  And if you regularly create a sacred space for introspection, you will be rewarded with many surprising insights through your writing.  I know I have.

Are Your Thoughts You?

It has been awhile since I last posted on this blog. I have been busy, exploring and seeking to understand my world and myself. Unlike some of my spiritual friends, I am still searching. I have often wondered too, whether blogging is a bit of an egoistic activity. Does putting down my thoughts about life and posting it  reek of  self-importance?

Thoughts lead to feelings, feelings to actions and actions create our life experiences.  We attach so much meaning and importance to our thoughts. We believe and trust our thoughts implicitly, without question. We allow our thoughts to define us and who we are. We also allow those thoughts to dictate our lives.

What we think of, and how we think has so much impact on our happiness. It really isn't the things around us that stresses us. It is our thoughts about those things that stresses us. We get so caught up in the stories which we tell ourselves and then, feeling all the emotions that come up with it. Thus, engaging in those thoughts with will affect us one way or another.

We listen to horror stories in our heads. We tell ourselves the same old story again and again and playing the same record for years. If you were rejected as a child, the painful experience could have left you with a fear of rejection. Look closely and see if you have been replaying and literally hypnotising yourself with fearful thoughts of rejection since then? The point of it is that those thoughts are not real. But when we engage with it, those thoughts produce emotions and we act on those emotions. We then make it real.

It is not just about thinking positive. We try to think positively for a day or two or even three. Then, we fall back into our old ways. The thing is to allow those thoughts to clear. Watch those thoughts pass away and not react to them. Sounds easy? Try practising for 5 minutes daily, just watching your thoughts pass by and take notice. Learn about your self and what you actually think about when you are not looking!  Are we really who we think we are, in our heads or are we much more?

Dying to Be Me

 

I have been spending  some time listening to many world-renowned experts from the personal growth field sharing the practical, applicable ways in which they incorporate their teachings in their own lives. Topics range from health, diets, womanhood, happiness and success, the spiritual realm, past lives and so on..  I shall write on some of these speakers whose work have benefited millions of people. 

One such speaker whom I find so very inspiring  is Anita Moorjani. Her story is not new to many. Anita was diagnosed with end stage cancer (Hodgkin's Lymphoma) in April 2002.  On 2 February 2006, she fell into a coma. Her body was ravaged with cancer when she arrived at the hospital. Doctors said that her organs were shutting down and gave her hours to live. However, she went through a NDE or near death experience but made a choice to  come back.I chose to come back into physical when I understood that ‘heaven’ is a state, not a place.Anita Moorjani

She is now a famous speaker and author of the best seller, "Dying To Be Me." She has been sharing her fascinating life story and the many insights she gained when she went to the other realm.  "I realized what a gift life was, and that I was surrounded by loving spiritual beings, who were always around me even when I did not know it. I understand how illnesses start on an energetic level before they become physical. I then understood that when people have medical treatments for illnesses, it rids the illness only from their body but not from their energy so the illness returns. Everything going on in our lives was dependant on this energy around us, created by us. Nothing was real – we created our surroundings, our conditions, etc. depending where this “energy” was at."

"After what I have seen, I realize that absolutely anything is possible, and that we did not come here to suffer. Life is supposed to be great, and we are very, very loved. The way I look at life has changed dramatically, and I am so glad to have been given a second chance to experience “heaven on earth. Miracles are possible in your life every day."

What was her most meaningful lesson? "The most meaningful lesson I learned from being at death’s door is that unless I love myself, nothing else in my life can function at its best. The amount of depth, meaning, and joy I experience in my life is in direct proportion to how much love I have for myself. The amount of love, kindness, patience I have for others is also directly proportional to how much love, patience and kindness I have for myself, because we cannot give others what we ourselves do not have."

I resonate so much with what she said. That life is indeed a gift.  We create so much of our own unhappiness due to a lack of love. And it starts from a  lack of love for ourselves. If we do not know how to love and honour ourselves, how then can we genuinely love and honour others?.

We sometimes confuse narcissism with self-love so we hold ourselves at arms length. There is a big difference between the two. The energy of narcissim is one of fear. It is closed and contracting, wanting to keep everything for ourselves. It is about "me, me and me."  Self love is expansive, open and inclusive of others.  That is the energy of love. It is like a cup of love which overflows.

We are meant to be amazing, magnificent, loving beings but we have forgotten who we are. However, we do not necessarily need to go through a near death experience to realise that. The love is right there in our hearts already. We just need to open our hearts and tap into it.

Move Forward

 

I have been busy lately. Last weekend, I attended a Family Constellation workshop. It was very good. I learned alot about family order and family systems.  I found it enlightening and interesting.

If we keep an open mind, we open ourselves to so many learning opportunities.  There are many new courses and experiences which come our way.  If we resonate with them, make the time and effort to  learn. The limits we face in life are limits which we place on ourselves. We give ourselves many reasons not to do what we know, would be good for our growth. Louise Hay, the famous motivational author took up ballroom dancing at 75 years of age and the piano, at 86.

I realised during the course that the obstacles which we face in healing our relationships and in forgiveness can be attributed so much to being judgmental and "wanting to be right"  In our need to be right, we forget that others, whoever they maybe, our parents, siblings or friends are just doing the best they can.   As Louise Hay said, we live in a prison of self righteous resentment.

In many instances, people  are just doing the best they can, with the understanding and awareness that they had. They were unable to give more because they did not have more to give. It is not something we like to hear nor accept. Not when we have unmet needs which look to be fulfilled by others. We have to learn how to meet those needs ourselves. Take that responsibility rather than stay stuck, holding on to expectations which may never be met. We are also just doing the best we can. That is the reality and reality is always sobering.
 Have a great weekend!

Are We Feeling Guilty Today?

 

Guilt is a complicated emotion. When does guilt arise? Guilt usually arises when we behave in a way that falls below our moral and ethical standards. We often experience guilt for something we did or say, or wanted to do or say but failed to.

In the overall scheme of emotions, guilt is in the general category of negative feeling states. It is a feeling we have been so familiar with that we think it is natural. Is guilt learned or is it inborn? Could it be that it has been programmed and conditioned into us since we were small children? Does a baby feel guilty when it keeps you awake through the night with its crying? Do toddlers feel guilty when they break your prized possessions? Or do they start crying only after you scold them and tell them that what they have done is wrong? Many a time, a child does not "feel guilty" until someone tells her that she has offended someone or hurt someone's so called "feelings."

Because guilt can be insidious and subtle, it is often used to manipulate others to do our bidding. Words are designed to make the victim feel shameful and bad if they do not comply. And because guilt is instilled by the people closest to us, we accept it without question when we are young. It is very common for parents to use guilt to condition their children. Irrespective of whether it is done with good intention, guilt is used. "I sacrificed so much for you, so how could you study dance instead of medicine?"As parents, are we teaching our children to comply in order to avoid feeling guilty? What real values are we teaching them in the long run?

Society and religion also imposes many standards of acceptable behaviour, thus more guilt again if we deviate. Guilt also keeps us from being honest with ourselves. Recently, my colleague told a lie in the course of work. He confessed to feeling terribly guilty and talked about this guilt for the next few hours. When I asked him why he lied, he avoided my question. I felt he was indulging in guilt to avoid facing the truth about himself.

Some people think of guilt as their voice of conscience. Thus, good people "should" feel bad, as in my colleague's case. It is said that "appropriate" guilt spurs us to learn and change from our mistakes. However, without honesty, we continue to hide our true intentions from ourselves. Without drilling down to the root cause of why we lied, how then can we hope to avoid repeating the same act? Is mere guilt helpful then towards change? Or is it the twisted need to inflict punishment on ourselves because we are not willing to change? For prolonged periods, guilt keeps us in bondage when we keep ruminating about the past.

Guilt is an emotion that has to be managed. We have to ask ourselves whether guilt is beneficial in our personal growth. Is it that we have forgotten that life is a big learning process? The guidelines set by our religions are standards that we are striving to work towards daily. Is it helpful to be wrecked with guilt when we fail to live up to that perfection?  Or is it that we cannot trust ourselves to learn the same things when we treat ourselves in a kinder and more compassionate manner? Our children too.

Before we start to feel guilty, there is always a moment when we judge ourselves to be wrong. Are we aware whose standards we are judging ourselves against? Is it our own internal barometer or have those standards been programmed by others?

Year End Reflections

As 2012 draws to a close, how many of us do sit down and reflect on the year gone by? Do you give yourself a report card for your achievements, successes and failures? Do you have a goal post which you have set to gauge how near or far you are from your personal goals? Do you have a vision of how far more you have to go? And where you are going?

Taj Mahal India 2011

Every moment that we are alive is a treasure full of hope. Sometime during the year, we may have run into difficult situations where we feel hopeless that things will  ever turnaround or feel overwhelmed by problems which we do no know how to resolve. Yet, we are still here, ushering in another year. In the words of a friend who succumbed to cancer, how wonderful it is to be alive!

Betong May 2012

Life is not easy. I have known that since I was old enough to remember. I have had my share of tough times. There have been times when it seemed almost insurmountable. Yet, the difficulties have shaped me.  I recognise the immense suffering in this world. And I also recognise how crucial our own attitudes are, in creating our own happiness. No one is spared of suffering. The question to ask ourselves is what we learn from that suffering and how it can be used to benefit others.

Many Chinese families make money their foremost priority. Rightly so, because we need to survive. Beyond that, does money override parental and sibling relations? Is it worth sacrificing our health and mental wellbeing over? Is money a measure of how much we love our parents or children? The more we give them, the more we love them? Or is it just a replacement for love and devotion?

Gaden Monastery, Mundgod 2012

I have been faced with issues of life and death this year, with my parents failing health and hospitalisation, Chang's death and the birth of this blog. I worried over losing my parents. Yet, life and death is a fact we cannot escape from.

What counts is what we do in the present moment. As each year comes to a close, I will ask myself whether I am  more peaceful and happier than the last. It is said that our inner world is reflected in our outer world. If there is turmoil within us, then there will most certainly be turmoil in our external world as well.  If we are peaceful people inside, we will most likely attract peaceful people into our lives.

I wish you a time of reflection as you usher in 2013. And a New Year of Peace, Health and Happiness.

Expectations

As human beings, it is difficult not to have any expectations. From the time we are babies, we start to have expectations. When we cry, we expect to be responded to. If we fail to get any attention, we wail even louder.

Trouble brews when expectations are not met. It is said that the difference between what should be and what is,  is where sadness comes from. It is true that if we do not manage our expectations, we set ourselves up for disappointment. However, is it possible to live with no expectations at  all? Imagine having no expectation of how that steaming cup of coffee would taste like as you bring it to your lips? Or have no expectation of how your latest Ipad would perform.

I have seen how shattered parents have been when their children fail to live up to their expectations. And terminally ill patients who cannot accept that their spouses do not support them in the manner they expect. It is said that having expectations is the source of our problems. Yet, is it unreasonable to expect that your spouse would take care of you when you are sick? Or that your children would care for you when you are sick or old? Which expectations are considered reasonable?

We tend to draw conclusions and make assumptions based on a person's profession or religion. If you meet a religious person, you may unknowingly expect that they behave in a more humane manner.  Recently, when I was sick, someone shared with me that  we should fend for ourselves and not expect help, unless it is from spouse or family.  It was an eye opener for me because that was not how I view life.  Whatever it is, I take it as a learning experience. This experience taught me a lesson about how different our individual perceptions can be  and to be very careful about expectations.

No Baggage, Please

Have you come across people who spend their time complaining about others? They can complain about the same subject for years and years but don't seem to get tired of listening to themselves.  People around them start avoiding them after awhile.

In their stories, it seems that they are the perpetual victims. The perpetrators  maybe their spouse, children, neighbour or even strangers. But the stories are essentially the same. They have been treated unfairly or badly yet curiously they allow the cycle of mistreatment to continue. They do not make the effort to confront the source of their complaints. At times, they are so absorbed in their suffering that they are not aware.

It seems that human nature is such that we are sometimes attached to our suffering.  The old and familiar is comforting. It is nice to play the same old records and get the sympathy of others and to get some attention.

Maybe all of us have been or are stuck in some old stories. We cannot move forward because we are not willing to confront the issues which keeps us stuck. It is too painful to dig up the old stuff.  This old stuff is our baggage, issues from the past we have not dealt with, usually out of fear.  Maybe it is to face up to the reality that our lives did not turn out the way we expect.  It could be the way our parents abused us or favoured our siblings over us.  Or we may be disappointed with our careers, spouses, children or friends. Maybe we felt we deserved better. Or that we were passed over by our bosses for a promotion.

Whatever it is,  if we don't deal with our hurt, pain and disappointments now, our emotional baggage just keeps getting heavier. Are we going to drag all of it to our graves? Or will we choose to unload them while we still can? Like it or not, we cannot run away from the truth of our lives. It catches up with us sooner or later.

Success

What is your definition of success? There is a very common definition of success. Money, status, property, expensive cars, successful children. We cannot run away from the fact that money is important in this material world. But how much is enough? How do I maintain a balance? And what do I really want from my life? Do I want to take society's definition as my own? Or do I want to live by my own standards? These were questions I pondered over, time and again.  I realised over time that my priorities had changed. Some things had become less important.

Yes, it can be a very comfortable life. It is also easier to stay with the mainstream. To get the approval and recognition of peers and society but then what....?   And at what cost? Most importantly, am I happy pursuing this success?

Different Minds, Different Paths

From a tender age, I asked my mother questions about life. My grandmother was not spared my incessant questions. She used to complain that I am the type who asked questions till she had no answers left. At that time, I took it to mean that I should stop bothering her. It also made me wonder why they did not share the same curiosity. It did not squelch my desire to seek for answers, however.

In my early teens, I challenged my mother with more questions in spiritual matters. I then decided to try out a different faith from hers. At that time, it was a cardinal sin to question, let alone embrace another faith. I received the strongest punishment. I think she must have found me one tough kid to handle. I could see then that the punishment was motivated by fear. She feared I was too young to think for myself. Or that I was influenced by my friends and that she would lose control of me. Very often, teen years are years of experimentation and decisions made could be temporary only. I suppose it is also very natural for parents to assume that their children should follow in their footsteps.

Later, I continued to explore different spiritual paths. I have met religious teachers from different faiths. To me, spirituality is inclusive and not divisive. Spirituality teaches us to accept one another, not punish, alienate or judge another who chooses differently from us. Does proving that my path is better than yours make me a better person than you? And how does one prove that? Will winning this intellectual debate mean that I have experienced more personal transformation and added on to the peace of this planet?

Is it man and his ego who works to separate and to have the "one-upmanship"? Mine is better and purer than yours. Mine is the real path. Is that not ironic when the goal of many religious practices is to encourage the letting go of the ego? Loosen our clinging to I, me and mine? Sometimes, it is not the religion per se but the wrong view of its practitioners. I think, what is really important is the right view and whether there has been any real transformation for the better.

We have different minds and so we are inclined and drawn to different paths. Everyone has their own time. However, this does not change the fact that in our hearts, we are seekers of the truth. If not, at least we seek to be better people through our spiritual paths. Why be dogmatic? Have we considered that people who are free thinkers maybe more spiritual than "religious" people? Are we enlightened people? Who are we to judge? And who says we know better?

Passive Violence

Violence is a term that conjures up images of brutality, hatred, cruelty, pain,  bloodshed and even death. We would like to think of ourselves as generally peaceful  people so the idea that we could engage in violence seems remote.

 "We often don't acknowledge our violence because we are ignorant about it. We assume we are not violent because our vision of violence is one of fighting killing, beating and wars, the types of things that the average individual don't do. - Arun Gandhi

There is a type of violence which is more insidious and the pain and suffering caused is more mental and emotional. It is the "passive" type of violence. Examples of passive violence include oppressive behaviour, harsh words, name-calling, insults, verbal abuse and hostility masquerading as jokes. There is also the non-verbal aggression of passive-aggressive behaviour. Instead of communicating honestly when one feels upset or disappointed,  one instead bottles the feelings up, gives angry looks, becomes sulky or puts up a stone wall. A passive-aggressive person might not always show that he/she is resentful. He/she may appear in agreement, polite, kind and well-meaning. However, underneath there may be manipulation going on - hence the term "passive-aggressive".

Passive violence ultimately generates anger in the victim who, as an individual or as a member of a group, responds violently. It is passive violence which fuels the fire of physical violence. It is because we don't understand or appreciate this, that all our efforts to work for peace have either not fructified or that peace has been temporary" - Arun Gandhi.

Today, I invite you to reflect on the the numerous acts of violence which we have inflicted on one another. We could start by noting down whenever we commit acts of passive violence. How as human beings, we often use our words and body language to hurt and inflict pain, intentionally or not. We cut off, put down, ostracise and humiliate another person for as small a reason as that WE do not like their face or attitude. Or that WE had a bad day. At times, it is just carelessness on our part.

Tragically, the victims are often our children and our family, our nearest and dearest. The very people whom we profess to love. Have you ever wondered why "seemingly good" people desert their parents in their old age? It could possibly be that as outsiders, we do not understand the passive violence which had been inflicted on them when they were children. This is not to condone anybody's behaviour, however.

thought form - explosive anger

 thought forms - sustained anger (left) murderous rage (right)

 
Because thoughts produce energy and vibration, negative and violent thoughts are harmful. Sometimes, the victim can actually feel that he has been stabbed or punched with mere words. Yet, because the damage is not physical, people often get away with it. They hide behind the masks of a parent, spouse, friend, teacher, boss or colleague to justify themselves and avoid "prosecution". However, the resultant pain and hatred takes even longer to heal than physical pain. The question is, do we want to continue communicating this way?

Our Perfect Selves

I attended a talk by Jeff Oliver about perfectionism. Jeff is a former Buddhist monk and meditation master  who is exceptionally in touch with his inner self. What is perfectionism? It is a propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect or does not meet extremely high standards. Thus, a perfectionist is a person who is displeased by anything that does not meet very high standards.

Consider this. If we were to look deep within ourselves, we will find that we each have mental images of who we think we are. This image is closely connected to our ideals and beliefs. For many of us, this image is most likely the more ideal version of ourselves. There are many sources from which this image is derived. It could be instilled in upbringing, from our parents and teachers. As we grow up, it could be from our religious teachers, our friends and the media. Some say we inherit perfectionism from our genes. We see ourselves as the perfect parent, sons or daughters, Buddhists or Christians, the successful and caring family man, perfect boss etc.

How does our childhood contribute to our perfectionism? Adults who do not allow mistakes and with overly high expectations. The most common example is when we break cutlery and adults get upset. Or we are made to write and re-write until our handwriting is near perfect. We are expected to score the maximum number of As in our exams. While they may have good intentions, the message that we hear as children is that it is unacceptable to make mistakes and we have to work to get approval. We learn early in life that we are valued for our achievements, and that we may just not be good enough. In the media, we are constantly bombarded with pictures of how the perfect man, woman and family should look like and behave.

As adults, we constantly judge, compare and criticise ourselves against the mental images of who we think we should be . As a result we always feel that we are never good enough. We live in a world of self criticism, beat ourselves up and wallow in guilt. We are not perfect but we believe that we should be. And we spend our time looking to what we want but not what we have.

Perfectionism tends to have two components: a positive side, like setting high standards for ourselves as in the high achievers; and a negative side, which involves fears and concerns over mistakes and failure. While high achievers have high but reasonable expectations, perfectionists' goals aren't always reasonable. High achievers enjoy the process of chasing a goal. Conversely, the underlying motive present in perfectionists is the fear of failure and fear of rejection. It can be sad and painful because they blame themselves when they fail to meet expectations. They think erroneously that they have to achieve to get love, like the students who commit suicide because they fail to obtain the string of As they think their parents expect. They think that their parents will love them more if they are perfect. It is heartbreaking.

The antidote is acceptance and forgiveness. Accept ourselves for who we are. Learn to love ourselves for who we are and not who we think we should be or the world should be. Forgive ourselves, because human beings were meant to be unique and not perfect. Otherwise, we are only setting ourselves up for a host of problems by chasing the illusion of perfection because there is none.

Tinted Glasses

 

Have you read the story of Dr Richard Teo, a 40 year old millionaire who died of lung  cancer on October 18? His story has been going viral in cyberspace, being shared in emails, facebook and twitter. There is also an online memorial which you can login to pay your respects.

Dr Richard Teo, by his account was a product of today's materialistic society. He was given a  research scholarship by National University of Singapore to develop lasers to treat the eye. He was given 2 patents, one for  medical devices, and another for lasers but  he decided that training in eye surgery was too long a process. Instead he opted to study aesthetic medicine to earn the big bucks. According to him, he became a "glorified beautician". Vanity was good business. He was raking in millions in his first year and expanded his business to Indonesia. He lived the good life, drove a Ferrari, bought land to build a bungalow, had the best cuisine whipped up by Michelin chefs and of course beautiful girls.

Everything came to an abrupt end on the discovery that he had Stage 4 lung cancer which had spread to his brain. Just before his diagnosis, he was still working out in the gym.  Subsequently, he shared his story at the Dental Christian Fellowship.

While most people would say he was sharing his story to benefit people, my colleague,  Don had a very different opinion. He was quite critical of Dr Teo's motives for sharing. According to Don, "Dr Teo has had the best life ever. He should have died without regrets. What could have been his  purpose for "promoting" his story? Even if he had any regrets, he should have just kept it to himself instead of blaming it on materialsim or his previous "God-less" life. Making money is a very practical and important way to survive and live well. Why the switch all of a sudden just because of cancer. In fact, the cancer maybe due to his genes and not materialism, arrogance or God-lessness".

I find human behaviour so interesting. One story but so many takes and the opinions so vastly different. Each one of us is different and unique. We perceive the same world differently. The way people look at life really depends on their value system, their lifestyle and their past. It is almost as if we are all wearing tinted glasses. What we see is what the glass allows us to see. However, our glasses maybe distorted or blur yet we rely so much on them.

My neighbour had a father who was unfaithful to her mother. Because of this, she grew up very distrusting of men. Today, even though she has a loving husband, she feels she cannot trust him. She is wearing the "all men cannot be trusted" glasses. Even though I tried to show her a different perspective, she remained adamant. Until she lets go of the old fears and removes those glasses, she cannot move forward. Not knowing that she is contributing to her own unhappiness, her relationship will continue to suffer. That is the power of those glasses. Could you also be wearing glasses from the past?  How is it impacting your life now? Has it ever occurred to you that if  you removed those glasses, the view could be entirely different?

The Masks We Wear

We all wear masks. It is normal and natural to wear masks from time to time. The purpose of a mask is to hide, conceal or disguise. When wearing masks, we can put on a different persona just like how Clark Kent switched into  Superman or Bruce Wayne into Batman. From geeks to superheroes. People do things they would never have done in their own faces. Lynching and torture are carried out by people in hoods with circles cut out for eyes. Bandits rob under the anonymity afforded by the mask. 

Human beings have a special skill. They can put on invisible masks at a click of the fingers, switching seamlessly from one mask to another without notice. There are times our mask serves us well because it identifies the roles we are playing clearly. When we are at work, we wear the secretary mask or lawyer mask. When we are out in the community, we wear the community leader mask.

From young, we have learned to wear masks. Parents tell their sons  that "boys do not cry". Boys learn early on in their lives that it is not socially acceptable to cry.  We also wear the "I am fine" mask. All too often, the smile is a mask that hides the deep pain within us. Do you remember the suicide of Steven Ko, son of  the famous Dr Ko? Was he wearing the "I am fine' mask or did he reveal his pain but no one paid any attention?

To fit in with society, we wear masks that project social conformance. Face is all important in our Asian society. We wear masks projecting theat we are a good Christian family. Never mind that we are actually cold and unkind to each other at home. We wear the masks of a happy married couple even though we are really unhappy with each other. Do you think the sex bloggers, Alvin Tan and Vivian Lee angered people because they refused to wear masks?

When I was very young, I observed how adults led lives of acting and of duplicity. They never seemed to speak truthfully to one another. In my mind, I wondered about the virtue of  honesty they taught me. I resolved that when I grew up, I would be different. Of course, when I started working, I realised that there are many games played out in the corporate world. People don't want to hear the truth and actually wanted me to play along. To survive, one has to know that a mask is only a tool. And a mask is not to be identified with oneself. 

Whether we want to admit it or not, everyone of us has this innate desire to be known.  We all want someone to know us, acknowledge us and realize that we exist.  The need to be known is not about popularity or fame, but rather the human desire of connection and acknowledgement. And this need cannot possibly be met until we expose our true and vulnerable selves.

Demons Within

When you gaze upon a baby, what stirs within you?  I feel a natural protectiveness towards them because they are at such a vulnerable stage of their lives. Maybe, you may feel differently  but I don’t expect that your feelings would lead you to throw it out of your bathroom window.

Thus, it really saddens me to read of a 2.8kg newborn baby girl being flung out of the third floor of an apartment in Sungai Way by her own mother in the newspapers today.  Though the mother, a 20 year old factory worker denies killing the baby, the fact of the matter is that the baby is dead. It was reported that the baby was alive when she was thrown but died of head injuries. 

What drives a human being to dispose of her baby and in such a manner? I can only guess. Was she suffering from post-natal depression? Was she insane? To me, it is a sad day for humanity when a mother can have such blatant disregard for  her own flesh and blood. And I am not coming from a judgmental point of view, to crucify her. No. I am sad at the circumstances which could have driven a person to such an act.

The mother-child bond is regarded as almost sacred, is it not? A mother is meant to love and protect, her child or am I wrong again? In reality, just as not all children are good to their parents, not all parents are good to their children. Some mothers torture and burn their own children. There is physical abuse and there is emotional abuse. 

A story of emotional abuse I can recall is that of my close friend. Her mother verbally and emotionally abused her from the time she was a little child till  long after she became a mother herself. She was her mother's  punching bag for years, never seeming to do anything right. Her mother would shout at her daily for the slightest things. When she was 16 years old, her mother shouted profanities at her, calling her a whore in public with the excuse that she was disciplining her for attending a birthday party (even though she had given her permission earlier). Her mother would make it known she was not happy whenever my friend went out to enjoy herself, for holidays or bought anything to beautify herself . It was years later that my friend realised that her mother took out her pent-up  rage  on her, the youngest child, because of the verbal abuse her own  father had  inflicted on her mother. Her mother, instead of confronting her own anger took the easy way out by abusing my friend. But the emotional damage had already been done because my friend grew up with many scars.

It is so easy to take it out on the innocent and vulnerable, those who cannot fight back. Has it ever happened to you? You have had a tough day at work or was scolded by your superior or customer and you had no opportunity to retaliate. You keep the anger within you. Driving home, you encounter heavy traffic which really pisses you off. When you finally reach home, your son accidentally spills milk all over the floor. Would you not just let it fly? Let it all out on your innocent little son, giving him the scolding of his life? It could happen to the best of us at one time or another. It is so easy, being in the position of power to take it out on the innocent and the weak with nary a thought.  But little do we foresee the extent of the damage and hurt our actions cause.

In the above case of the factory worker, what could have possibly happened in her life to have driven her to kill her baby, we don't know (assuming she is guilty). All of us are subject to the pressures of living. Some can manage better than others. It is wiser to deal with those pressures, be it internal or external before it blows up in our faces. It could be our josb, our relationships with our spouse and children or financial pressures. It helps to take a break to think through or seek help or support. Take responsibility to deal with our issues and the demons within. Otherwise, we end up hurting ourselves and those we love, causing more damage than we realise.

This Blog

I have been asked my reasons for creating this blog. Actually, I had no plans to start one. It just evolved from writing for Chang's blog. I would say that what I shared on this blog regarding self-love, not taking our time on earth for granted, taking time to relax from our intensive schedule etc. have all been part of my sharing with Chang. And the next post, "Being Authentic" is, I feel, the most important lesson of all. Then I would have almost completed my sharing.

My first love is to write about life experiences, emotional and spiritual development. Empowering ourselves, taking responsibility and control of our lives and awakening to our wonderful potential. Because of our inter-connectedness to one another, we have to be conscious of how our actions impact on others. By changing ourselves for the better, we are indirectly making a contribution to the world and the environment at large  By putting it down on this blog, I am also reminding myself  to do the same. After all, we are all works-in -progress.

I enjoy writing posts like "Loving Ourselves" but it maybe a bit too serious for the readers here, is it.  I don't know. I was told by a friend that gossip and trash sells but that is not my cup of tea. Oops, sorry, in the light of recent events, shall I say that  it is sex-blogging? I have added a feedback section at the bottom of the post. If you like the post, please tick the "like" box.

Should you have a story which you think is worthy of sharing on this blog, you may email me at bodhicircle@gmail.com.  Sharing always benefits others. As you probably know by now, I am a working girl and mother. With my busy schedule and work commitments, I will not be churning out material frequently. But thank you for your support thus far. 

What did I Give at the End of The Day?



As this day comes to an end ~
Did I remember to call a friend?
Touch someone’s heart to help it mend
And have I helped someone in need?
Or planted laughter as a seed?
And what of the elderly all alone?
Did I give flowers to brighten their home?
When troubles found wet lonely tears?
Did I listen with my heart or just with my ears?
I’ve had 24 hours to spend today
Eight of them I dreamed away
16 hours remain for me
Plenty of time, don’t you agree? 
How long does it take to give a smile?
So small a task, making life worthwhile
And a friendly hug, absolutely free
Can be given to anyone, including me?
So I ask myself at the end of the day
How much love have I given away?
(by Audrey Hunt)

Empathy through Suffering

A reader wanted to know why I  chose to support Chang in his cancer journey. I would say that Chang had many supporters who helped him by lending him resources such as books, gave him financial support as well as provide a listening ear. There are actually many kind people out there. I believe blogging also helped him to keep focused and he said it was therapeutic.

Whenever he singled out a therapy, he would pass a copy of the writeups to his brother to read, digest and comment.  Chang liked to listen to various angles but he always had his own way of thinking. 

In the early days, he wanted to get the feedback of other cancer patients who had tried The Gerson Therapy but  could not find it.  And that spurred him to start the blog. This also sums up my reasons for offering him support. It was also from my past, difficult experiences that I understood the importance of support in times of difficulties. And I learned to be empathetic towards others. I would have done the same for any other friend.

The difficult experiences of our lives shape us and make us grow, not the easy times. It is much like polishing a rough diamond. It is very tough to get through but we gain so much strength, wisdom and insight from it. And from there, we are much better able to empathise with others' pain and suffering.

I think that there is a reason for everything but I suppose the important thing is to be able to learn from our experiences and use it to benefit our family, friends and society at large. Then, our suffering would not have been in vain....

Loving Ourselves

A friend asked me about self love.  This friend remarked that " all of us love ourselves to a certain extent." My question then would be how you would feel if your mother loves you only "to a certain extent."  And to what extent is that? Does it mean there will be occasions when she will choose not to love you? And what occasions would that be? How do you know you can count on her when you need her love? And would you need to fulfill certain conditions to get it?

Self love is unconditonal love for ourselves. The closest example of unconditional love would be the love we feel for our children. We start loving our children even when they are in their mother's womb, even when we know nothing about them yet. How they will turn out or look like, their personality etc. We love them with no conditions attached. This is the same kind of love that we can also give ourselves.

Self love is being kind, understanding, patient, respectful and accepting of ourselves, no conditions attached. Whether or not we pass that examination, win that promotion, have the ideal figure and skin or whether we measure up to society's expectations, we stay commited to being kind and understanding of ourselves and our limits. As opposed to harshness, judging ourselves, pushing ourselves to the limit, selling ourselves out to gain the approval of others.

It is being willing and able to take care of our physical, emotional and spiritual needs. It is being compassionate to our bodies which have been serving us for years. Paying attention to it, giving it rest and nutrition instead of pushing it beyond its limit. It is taking care of our own emotions. What are our hearts telling us? Are we feeling happy, sad, disappointed or angry? And when we feel these emotions, do we acknowledge them? Do we know why we feel that way? Or do we wave them aside and ignore them and in the process, sadly ignore ourselves?

Do we allow ourselves to be trampled over or taken advantage of, time after time because we do not know how to say no to people? To love ourselves is to learn how to set boundaries for ourselves, to protect both ourselves and the other party. Why? Because if the other party were about to do something unkind to us and  we allow it, aren't we also assisting in commiting the unkind deed? Not standing up for ourselves is also akin to betraying ourselves. And that is the opposite of self love.

Why is self love so important? What if I were to say that self love is the foundation of your relationships with others, your health and your current life situation? What if I were to say that without loving yourself you will not get very far or be very happy? Because how you talk to yourself is also the way you will talk to others. How you treat yourself will also be the way you treat others. And the way that you relate to others determines the quality of your relationships. And without good, intimate relationships, what is life?  Self love is loving and respecting of others because in true self love, we cannot possibly love and respect ourselves yet be unkind to others.

And most importantly, if you are a parent, how harshly you scold and berate yourself when you make a mistake will also be the same way you will scold your child. And the way your child will also berate your grandchild in future. By the same token, if you are kind and loving towards  yourself, you will cultivate good relationships and happiness all round.

Learning to love ourselves is a journey.  We learned how to treat ourselves directly or indirectly from our parents, teachers and the world around us. We learned from young that to gain love and approval, we have to please those around us. In some ways, we have short-changed ourselves in the process, in order to gain that love. Because the love of others is so conditional, is it not better to learn to love and honour ourselves  instead of depending on external sources?