Guilt is a complicated emotion. When does guilt arise? Guilt usually arises when we behave in a way that falls below our moral and ethical standards. We often experience guilt for something we did or say, or wanted to do or say but failed to.
In the overall scheme of emotions, guilt is in the general category of negative feeling states. It is a feeling we have been so familiar with that we think it is natural. Is guilt learned or is it inborn? Could it be that it has been programmed and conditioned into us since we were small children? Does a baby feel guilty when it keeps you awake through the night with its crying? Do toddlers feel guilty when they break your prized possessions? Or do they start crying only after you scold them and tell them that what they have done is wrong? Many a time, a child does not "feel guilty" until someone tells her that she has offended someone or hurt someone's so called "feelings."
In the overall scheme of emotions, guilt is in the general category of negative feeling states. It is a feeling we have been so familiar with that we think it is natural. Is guilt learned or is it inborn? Could it be that it has been programmed and conditioned into us since we were small children? Does a baby feel guilty when it keeps you awake through the night with its crying? Do toddlers feel guilty when they break your prized possessions? Or do they start crying only after you scold them and tell them that what they have done is wrong? Many a time, a child does not "feel guilty" until someone tells her that she has offended someone or hurt someone's so called "feelings."
Because guilt can be insidious and subtle, it is often used to manipulate others to do our bidding. Words are designed to make the victim feel shameful and bad if they do not comply. And because guilt is instilled by the people closest to us, we accept it without question when we are young. It is very common for parents to use guilt to condition their children. Irrespective of whether it is done with good intention, guilt is used. "I sacrificed so much for you, so how could you study dance instead of medicine?"As parents, are we teaching our children to comply in order to avoid feeling guilty? What real values are we teaching them in the long run?
Society and religion also imposes many standards of acceptable behaviour, thus more guilt again if we deviate. Guilt also keeps us from being honest with ourselves. Recently, my colleague told a lie in the course of work. He confessed to feeling terribly guilty and talked about this guilt for the next few hours. When I asked him why he lied, he avoided my question. I felt he was indulging in guilt to avoid facing the truth about himself.
Some people think of guilt as their voice of conscience. Thus, good people "should" feel bad, as in my colleague's case. It is said that "appropriate" guilt spurs us to learn and change from our mistakes. However, without honesty, we continue to hide our true intentions from ourselves. Without drilling down to the root cause of why we lied, how then can we hope to avoid repeating the same act? Is mere guilt helpful then towards change? Or is it the twisted need to inflict punishment on ourselves because we are not willing to change? For prolonged periods, guilt keeps us in bondage when we keep ruminating about the past.
Guilt is an emotion that has to be managed. We have to ask ourselves whether guilt is beneficial in our personal growth. Is it that we have forgotten that life is a big learning process? The guidelines set by our religions are standards that we are striving to work towards daily. Is it helpful to be wrecked with guilt when we fail to live up to that perfection? Or is it that we cannot trust ourselves to learn the same things when we treat ourselves in a kinder and more compassionate manner? Our children too.
Society and religion also imposes many standards of acceptable behaviour, thus more guilt again if we deviate. Guilt also keeps us from being honest with ourselves. Recently, my colleague told a lie in the course of work. He confessed to feeling terribly guilty and talked about this guilt for the next few hours. When I asked him why he lied, he avoided my question. I felt he was indulging in guilt to avoid facing the truth about himself.
Some people think of guilt as their voice of conscience. Thus, good people "should" feel bad, as in my colleague's case. It is said that "appropriate" guilt spurs us to learn and change from our mistakes. However, without honesty, we continue to hide our true intentions from ourselves. Without drilling down to the root cause of why we lied, how then can we hope to avoid repeating the same act? Is mere guilt helpful then towards change? Or is it the twisted need to inflict punishment on ourselves because we are not willing to change? For prolonged periods, guilt keeps us in bondage when we keep ruminating about the past.
Guilt is an emotion that has to be managed. We have to ask ourselves whether guilt is beneficial in our personal growth. Is it that we have forgotten that life is a big learning process? The guidelines set by our religions are standards that we are striving to work towards daily. Is it helpful to be wrecked with guilt when we fail to live up to that perfection? Or is it that we cannot trust ourselves to learn the same things when we treat ourselves in a kinder and more compassionate manner? Our children too.
Before we start to feel guilty, there is always a moment when we judge ourselves to be wrong. Are we aware whose standards we are judging ourselves against? Is it our own internal barometer or have those standards been programmed by others?
What you said regarding parents teaching children using guilt trips is true, unfortunately. I hate to say it though I think my parents meant well but I find myself using the same ways on my children. My children resent it.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to be aware of what has been happening in the past and in the present. All I can say to you is that change begins with us, whether dealing with our parents or children. I hope it works out for you.
ReplyDeleteCF