White Tulips for my Mother in Law

My mother in law passed away over the Merdeka weekend. She was 80 years old and had been suffering from Parkinsons disease for the past four years. It  is a degenerative disorder of the central nervous system. Early in the course of the disease, the most obvious symptoms are movement related; these include shaking, rigidity, slowness of movement and difficulty with walking and gait. Later, as the disease became more advanced, she suffered from dementia and depression.

I was not very close to my mother in law. We were from different generations and backgrounds and so differed greatly in our  ways.  I found her difficult to relate with. The irony was that we were both women and  mothers. We shared the same concerns. Why we were unable to focus more on our similarities rather than differences? I guess we were too much alike. We were full of pride. And I was young and lacked the maturity to do it any differently.

It was in her later years, when she fell sick that I tried to reach out to her. She was more vulnerable and her defences were down. Once a very proud woman, she became a different person. I accompanied her on her first few visits to the hospital  when she was diagnosed with Parkinsons disease and tried my best to be a source of help for her. Through it all, I learned that no matter the circumstances, what has transpired and what grievances we hold, treating another person  in a  human and dignified way actually comes very naturally to us. We are capable of putting every grudge aside to be of support to another person. To act otherwise, we have to really close our hearts and act very steely. And I am glad I was present for her when she needed it

To my dear mother in law, wherever you are, I want to say that you were a fashionista, a gutsy, determined lady. I pray that  love, peace  and happiness follow you wherever you are .

The Log in Your Eye

I celebrated my birthday this week. It was a day of many lessons. I had an appointment that morning but because of a wrong left turn, I ended up missing my appointment. Instead I spent the next two hours driving along unfamiliar roads. I was relieved when I finally made it back to my sanctuary, my home.

That evening, when I picked my daughter from school, I was greeted by a tearful girl. My daughter had signed up for a culinary arts competition in school with her best friend. Due to circumstances which could not be worked out, both parties agreed to drop out of the competition.  However, both parties were terribly disappointed and as a result. started to blame one another. It was not healthy but not unexpected. Their friendship has been affected. I felt that they had to learn to cope with their disappointment and learn from this incident. However, what was totally unexpected was that  a mother had  joined the blame game.

I was shocked at the turn of events. As a parent, we act as  guides and advisors  for our children, We are there to lend support and provide resources for them to bloom to their full potential, During the school going years, they will meet many new friends who will go in and out of their lives. Some of the best friendships are made in school but not all friendships will last. Friends too will have their disagreements. It is all a part of growing up and learning how to relate with one another.

Therefore, I was dismayed that a parent had jumped right into the fray to say some very disparaging things about both my daughter and myself. Those scathing and hurtful words, as expected, came back to my daughter's ears and I could see that she was deeply hurt. As parents, we have to remember too, to keep within our boundaries. We have to respect our children and other children's decisions and privacy too.. Before interfering in our children's relationships, ask first what our true intentions are. Will our actions benefit our children? Or will our need to justify, blame and be "right" cause more problems for those we profess to love?  How can blaming others possibly bring about more peace and harmony in everyone's lives?.

Words, words, words. We use them so loosely but forget that they are as sharp as knives. If you can see psychically the impact of words on the aura of a person, you can actually see people sending daggers or knives to one another. They cut and hurt deeply.

I regret how juvenile we adults can become. As adults, we are role models to all children, whether or not they are our own. It also matters not how many times one professes to be "religious". The real test is in the way one carries oneself and the words that comes out of one's mouth. To quote a Bible verse "a good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of". "First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye".

Happy Mother's Day

It is Mother's Day today. I would like to wish all mothers a happy and relaxing day.  I hope you take time off  to show some love to yourselves today!

 
A fellow mother said. "It is always me last." I think what some mothers want most is to have some time off for themselves and  to be feted and pampered. As a mother myself, I feel that because of society's expectations as well as from our family upbringing, women have been taught from young to put others first.

The modern mother has multiple roles to play, a mother, a career woman, a wife, a home manager, transporter and cook. There is little time at the end of the day for themselves. Even on occasions when they do take time off, it is not without the tinge of guilt. There are regular checks and smses to make sure everything is alright at the home front.  Women are sometimes also their own worst enemies. Mothers-in-law criticising their daughters-in-law. Instead of supporting each other, they judge another woman harshly for not meeting their own expectations.

Is this a case of  the mother not being able to let go or is it her husband and children's dependency? Only the individual woman herself would know the answer. The phrase "Don't sweat the small stuff" is so true. Our families will not starve in our absence. They have to learn to take care of themselves eventually. And it is important that they understand this so that mothers can get time off to re-charge their batteries and stay healthy. If one family member is down, the entire family is affected.

The mother’s worth as a role model and guardian is indisputable. Good mothers are like gardeners that grow the beautiful fragrant flowers and most luscious fruits. Great men and women in all fields of society are created, molded and inspired by their mothers.

All too often, mothers forget their contribution and worth in this increasingly materialistic society. Due to increasing pressures, mothers have had to hand over the physical care of their children to maids and babysitters. Because the mother plays a crucial role in nurturing the character of the child as well being the main source of emotional nourishment, it would be too simplistic to say that the mother's role can be substituted. A friend who does not bring her baby home from the babysitter's said that her child would not know the difference. I beg to differ.

Happily Ever After

                       

When I was in school, I noticed that romance novels were very popular among my classmates. One girl called Kumari used to carry a bagful of them to school, to exchange with her romance novel bookclub members. Their favourite were books by the Mills & Boons publishing house, which featured many different female authors. I was rather curious, so I asked her to recommend some books by the better authors. However, I could only manage about two books before I became seriously bored. Their story lines were essentially the same. The damsel in distress swept off her feet by the mysterious stranger, who came to her rescue. Yawn.......

The practical side of me found it hard to believe and enjoy what were to me then, rather unbelievable stories. Romance fictions always ends just when real life is about to start. The story always end with the couple falling in love and living happily after. In real life, the point when the couple gets married is when their love is really lived out.

Will their romance get side tracked by the practicalities of life, such as house chores, in-law problems, children, careers and different interests? Yes, there will be a period in the courtship phase when couples can be very romantic with one another.  But why is it somehow assumed that the romance would be automatically sustained without putting in effort?

Are real relationships like that as portrayed in popcorn movies and romance novels? Yet, their influence on our perception of love is subtle. It is when you realise that you have  these expectations which you want your partner to fulfill (similar to the hero in the movies or novels) that you realise the power of its influence in your life. Where did these expectations come from?

The truth is that relationships are a joint effort, much like tending to a plant. Water it, nurture and talk to it lovingly and it blooms beautifully, Otherwise, it could turn out quite ugly too. Couples who, in their old age, wage cold war, curse one another and are unable to carry out a conversation without getting into an argument, are one too many. The truly loving couples are too few. So, what happened to the couple who were once besotted with one another? The romance novels seem to be deafeningly silent on what happens...... ever after.

Our Beloved Parents

 

As the Chinese New Year draws nearer, many of us are preparing to be reunited with our families of origin. Our Asian culture and our religions teach us to be filial to our parents. If truth be told, how many visit their parents out of obligation and duty? How many children visit their parents because they really want to see them? And how many people feel that it does not matter either way?

The parental-child relationship can be a complicated one. Do most people have good relationships with their parents? Because we did not choose our parents, there is a possibility that we may not even like them. There is an increasing number of parents being abandoned at old folks homes or hospitals when they fall sick and are too burdensome to care for anymore. Is poor parental-child relations the reason for the estrangement of parents from their adult children? I have also heard that some parents can be terribly difficult and manipulative. Do they then deserve abandonment?

Does this post, so near the Chinese New Year make people feel uncomfortable?  Indeed, it is to me, very sad to see estranged relationships. Parents, adult children or siblings who do not speak to each other anymore. What goes through the minds of these parents at this time of the year? If their minds are still alert, how would they feel, knowing that the children they once brought up, now have no place in their lives for them?

As a parent, after all that sweat, worry and toil invested, it is a tough blow to be abandoned,  physically or emotionally, or both, by one's children, especially at a time when one is at one's most vulnerable and weakest.  Though it is increasingly acceptable to outsource the care of aged parents to outsiders due to our busy lifestyle and work commitments,  it is still a subject that weighs heavy on my mind.  "Do unto others as you would have them do to you." I believe not one person wants to spend the last years of their lives, in an old folks home, whatever the reasons may be.

The general thought these days is that we should not have expectations of our children to avoid disappointment. That we should save up and be independent of them. Can we really? Emotions, once invested always leaves us feeling vulnerable. We can prepare ourselves by changing our mindset but we can never be totally immune from disappointment, as parents. 

Those Teenage Years

Just two days ago, I chatted over lunch with a lovely 21 year old girl. Lily is a university student, working temporarily to earn some pocket money during her semester break. Though it was our first conversation, she was very candid with me. Our chat touched  on her teenage years and how she handled her school life. The subject of boy-girl relationships was the core of our conversation.

I think the teenage years are years of surging hormones, discovery and experimentation. There is a strong need for acceptance from peers. Everything is new and interesting especially the opposite sex. During this time, they can be rather short-sighted and costly mistakes  made. While it is natural and healthy to have an interest in the opposite sex, I know of teenagers who have had relationships at the expense of their studies.  Lily admitted that she has regrets because she could have done much better in her studies, had she not been involved with her boyfriend whilst in school.

Lily revealed that she wanted to confide in her mother but  felt she couldn't. She thought her mother was too strict and  would object. According to her, she would also like to be able to discuss sexual issues with her mother. I totally empathise with her situation. I could not confide in my mother too when I was her age. Now, I am sitting on the other side, as a parent. I asked her what she would do differently if she were her mother.  I shared with Lily, lessons that I learned on hindsight from my teenage years.  She said that she wished she could talk to her mother in the same way, as with me.

I think there is somehow this great divide between most parents and their children. As a parent, how would you react if your 16 year old schooling daughter shares that she is thinking of being sexually intimate with a boy? Or when your 15 year old son tells you he has met a girl he has romantic feelings for and intends to start a relationship?

I face the same dilemma many parents do. There are certain behaviours which we do not condone. Yet how do we not allow these differences to come  between our  relationship with our children? How do I guide my child yet communicate my views across without sounding imposing and judgmental? Because in order to get someone to confide in us, we have to create a safe environment where they know they will not be judged. Sharing allows us to connect on a deeper level. We may then have the opportunity to teach them something that will help them navigate their lives.

As parents, we have to put our fears aside so that we can participate in our children's lives. It is a journey of discovery and experimentation too, being a parent. There is much to learn.

Motherhood

Since I came back from India, I have been busy catching up with work and  family. With  the  New Year, there have been changes to my daughter's schooling schedule. Motherhood, as with every other role we assume in life, is what we make of it. I have met the most dedicated of mothers and also those who take it rather matter of factly. There is no right or wrong approach to parenting. It is a matter of priorities and choices. We reap what we sow.

I took a break in my career to bring up my daughter when she was born. It was a decision that took my ex-colleagues and friends by surprise. I think it was a choice that went against the grain of normal expectations. My closest friends understood but some others questioned how I could give up my potential earnings and a promising career. If you look at it solely from the financial perspective, what they say is true. Maybe, I am not that wise about money though I am a trained accountant.

Early childhood is the most intensive period of brain development during the lifespan. Recent research confirms that the first five years are particularly important for the development of the child's brain, and the first three years are the most critical in shaping the child's brain architecture. Children learn more quickly during their early years than at any other time in life. They need love and nurturing to develop a sense of trust and security that turns into confidence as they grow. Babies and young children grow, learn and develop rapidly when they receive love and affection, attention, encouragement and mental stimulation, as well as nutritious meals and good health care.

I wanted  to be closely involved in my child's development at this time. Thus, choices had to be made. We cannot always have the cake and eat it too. Something has got to give. It was not easy to survive as a single income family so we cut back on luxuries. I did not have a maid and coped on my own. I found it challenging because I really had no idea how to be a good mother. People usually consciously or unconsciously parent in the same way as their parents or if they have had  unhappy experiences, compensate for it by doing the opposite of their parents. Like many modern parents, I read up on parenting when I became pregnant.

The years spent staying home, nurturing my daughter have been the most treasured years of my life.  I have watched her develop from milestone to milestone with much pride. Motherhood is by far, the more satisfying and fulfulling job. It is a lifelong commitment and responsibility being a parent. It is a tiring, difficult, rewarding, beautiful process and I regard it a gift to have a hand in shaping the life of another human being. A gift that could so easily be taken for granted.

There are more and more women, some highly educated who have opted to be stay-at-home mothers. Besides this, there are others who have taken career breaks to attend to their parents, family or their health matters. I understand their challenges and sacrifices and I support their courage and foresight. Life is more than just about earnings, it is also about living, sharing, giving and forging bonds.

Passive Violence

Violence is a term that conjures up images of brutality, hatred, cruelty, pain,  bloodshed and even death. We would like to think of ourselves as generally peaceful  people so the idea that we could engage in violence seems remote.

 "We often don't acknowledge our violence because we are ignorant about it. We assume we are not violent because our vision of violence is one of fighting killing, beating and wars, the types of things that the average individual don't do. - Arun Gandhi

There is a type of violence which is more insidious and the pain and suffering caused is more mental and emotional. It is the "passive" type of violence. Examples of passive violence include oppressive behaviour, harsh words, name-calling, insults, verbal abuse and hostility masquerading as jokes. There is also the non-verbal aggression of passive-aggressive behaviour. Instead of communicating honestly when one feels upset or disappointed,  one instead bottles the feelings up, gives angry looks, becomes sulky or puts up a stone wall. A passive-aggressive person might not always show that he/she is resentful. He/she may appear in agreement, polite, kind and well-meaning. However, underneath there may be manipulation going on - hence the term "passive-aggressive".

Passive violence ultimately generates anger in the victim who, as an individual or as a member of a group, responds violently. It is passive violence which fuels the fire of physical violence. It is because we don't understand or appreciate this, that all our efforts to work for peace have either not fructified or that peace has been temporary" - Arun Gandhi.

Today, I invite you to reflect on the the numerous acts of violence which we have inflicted on one another. We could start by noting down whenever we commit acts of passive violence. How as human beings, we often use our words and body language to hurt and inflict pain, intentionally or not. We cut off, put down, ostracise and humiliate another person for as small a reason as that WE do not like their face or attitude. Or that WE had a bad day. At times, it is just carelessness on our part.

Tragically, the victims are often our children and our family, our nearest and dearest. The very people whom we profess to love. Have you ever wondered why "seemingly good" people desert their parents in their old age? It could possibly be that as outsiders, we do not understand the passive violence which had been inflicted on them when they were children. This is not to condone anybody's behaviour, however.

thought form - explosive anger

 thought forms - sustained anger (left) murderous rage (right)

 
Because thoughts produce energy and vibration, negative and violent thoughts are harmful. Sometimes, the victim can actually feel that he has been stabbed or punched with mere words. Yet, because the damage is not physical, people often get away with it. They hide behind the masks of a parent, spouse, friend, teacher, boss or colleague to justify themselves and avoid "prosecution". However, the resultant pain and hatred takes even longer to heal than physical pain. The question is, do we want to continue communicating this way?

Our Children

I would like to share the following poem with you by the poet, Kahlil Gibran. It is a reminder to us that our children are not our possessions or chattels. That even though we bring them to this earth, make great sacrifices for them and in some cases, even sacrifice our lives for them, we do not own them. All that money spent on them is given freely on our own accord out of our love for them as parents.

Some parents assume that they own their children and that their children have to spend their lives being indebted to them. They use their sacrifices to make their children feel guilty and to control them. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that children should be disobedient or have no obligatons to take care of their parents. Children's obligations to parents arise naturally from their love and gratitude not guilt. I have seen cases of  parents trying to coerce their children using guilt and their children end up doing their bidding not out of love but much resentment.

If we see that our children have their own paths, we may be able to appreciate their uniqueness and gifts more. We are less judgmental and we can spend less time doubting them and trying to make them conform to our expectations. We allow them to be. And that is one of the gifts any parent can give their children.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Sex Blog Scandal

 

The sex blog scandal is the latest news sensation in Malaysia and Singapore. Vivian Lee, 23, and her boyfriend of six months Alvin Tan, 24, caused a cyber furore when their postings on their sex blog Sumptuous Erotica became viral and was caught on by the Singapore media.

What is your view about this whole affair? Are you morally disgusted, appalled by their brazen behaviour? Or are you neutral,  after all they are  not connected with you? Or are you  amused by the media reaction over a biological act that this couple were adventurous enough to post on their blog?

But what if they were your children? Would you react differently if it were a son rather than a daughter?  From the media interviews, it seems that at one point, Vivian Lee's parents wanted to disown her whereas his parents were more concerned about whether he would be expelled from the National University of Singapore and whether he would get in trouble with the law. As it is now, neither of them are repentant, calling themselves broadminded people.

Many people are outraged and have criticised them, especially parents. They label them immoral and said that they need moral counselling,  crave for attention. etc. As a member of the public, I think that they are two mature consenting adults and their sexual lives are really not of my concern. Yes, they posted their sexual acts on the internet but we can always choose not to watch if we find it offensive. As to fear that our children will follow in their example, I think that it is up to us to teach our children. We could use their scandal as a teaching opportunity. 

However, if I were Vivian's parent, I would initially be annoyed  because I would not welcome the negative publicity and intrusion on my family. However, I would also realise that this reaction does not help. Being overly concerned about face and how people view me as a parent really does not help my child.

I would be very concerned about her wellbeing and future.  I would have a talk with her to see what her deeper motivation was for the sex blog. And whether it is because she is seeking attention or trying to win the boy's love by being outrageous together. I would really want to know what is in her heart. Whether she made an error of judgement or is it that she really is a free spirit. I would be concerned that she could be hurt as she sounded much more emotionally involved than the boy (from the Capital FM interview with Xandra Ooi). If she can convince me that she really knows what she is doing, then I really would have to accept the situation and leave the door of my heart open for her, should she need me.

As a parent,  I would really be disappointed that her values are so different from what I have taught her but I also have to realise that she is an adult now and that she is her own person. It is a sobering thought. Though I may have some power of influence, it is largely out of my hands. That maybe it is our  ego that makes us want our child to turn out to what we expect.

Therefore, I always believe that the best time to teach our children is when they are young. During their tender years, we have to set aside the time and patience to slowly nurture them especially in character building. We have been given a very privileged role as their first teachers so we had better make full use of it. After we have done our best, we have to pray that they turn out to be good citizens of the world. I also believe that as parents, we do not own our children. They come through us but belong not to us.

A Mother's Love

This blog was inspired by the journey of my friend, Chang, who valiantly fought for his life in cancer. He was determined to carve his own path and created a blog to document the many alternative therapies he tried. He passed away exactly three years to the day he was diagnosed.

Today, I decided to pay his mother a visit. Chang used to like buying her yamcake so I went searching for it but the stall sold only stuffed chee cheong fun today. I decided to get her some and a few paus for his father.

When I reached the house, she was pottering around at the front of the house, planting some ginger. We went in to talk and she dived straight into the conversation, reminiscing about her son. She started her story from the times before he went for the HIFU treatment in China. I know she tried very hard to be strong during his final days and even the days after he passed away. But today, she confessed that her heart is in knots. That she cries for him and thinks of him often. She is heartbroken.
 

We all grieve for his loss. Family and friends alike. But for a mother, the loss of a child is the most devastating loss. Though Chang spent more than 2 years preparing her for his death, which mother can accept the death of her child? No matter how one loses a child, whether by prolonged illness or sudden death, the loss of a child is perhaps the most profound, the most overwhelming, the most inconsolable of losses to deal with.

There are many reasons for this:-
It violates the natural order of things--your children are not supposed to die before you.
Your love for your child is unconditional and pure-perhaps the most profound of attachments you will ever have.
It evokes rage at the injustice of it all-- why should a good hearted person lose his potential and fail to see his dreams fulfilled?

Grief is a natural process we go through in order to heal. Though in some cultures due to strong religious practices, they say that grieving is not necessary. Instead they smile and celebrate a life well lived. Until we arrive at that stage, we will feel the pain of what we have lost. We are rudely awakened by the very impermanence of this world. Such is the reality of life.

We grieve for the loss of the close bond or connection, the mutual love and caring we derive from that relationship. We have come to depend on the presence of our loved one and feel lost without them. We feel the void left behind. This is because we have lost a source of either love, security, comfort or financial support, which was met by the deceased. We ache for this loss and it seems almost impossible to fill that void again. And at times, we feel too depressed to move on and to live again. However, we have to ask ourselves honestly whether our pain is because our loved one is now in a bad place or is it because we are crying for ourselves, losing the important source of love, comfort etc. 

Does our life revolve only around this person and is he/she the only one who meets our needs? Have we filled our lives with a circle of friends and family who can all provide for these needs in small measures? And most importantly, do we meet our own needs? Have we been that source of love and security for ourselves or have been relying on sources outside ourselves only? This would be the hardest of all, standing up for ourselves, loving and comforting ourselves. Giving to ourselves. No. I am not talking about selfishness. I am talking about unconditional love for ourselves.

The fact that some cultures are able to celebrate death suggests that there is an alternative way to view dying. What is life to you? Is death the end of everything? Or is the death we speak of merely the death of the physical container or body? Does your connection to your loved one disappear just by physical death? Or do you believe in more? For this is the time to draw on the strength of your beliefs and to transform that pain into something beautiful for you and your loved one.