Break, break, break

Last weekend my family together with four other families decided to take a short retreat not too far from the city, to Port Dickson. There were 10 adults and 9 kids who made this trip. We left early Saturday morning to have breakfast in Seremban along the way. However, there was an accident along the highway and it took us an extra hour to reach Seremban.

Our holiday bungalow

We arrived in Port Dickson before lunch in the pouring rain. Well, our day at the beach looked  like a dismal prospect unless we intended to play in the rain. However, around 2.30pm the rain came to a stop and everything proceeded smoothly from then. The first event was the telematch where all participated. I hadn't played "carry the pingpong ball on a spoon" game since schooldays! After the games, the kids played on the beach and rode on the banana boat float at RM10 per head. We had a really swell time.

Site of The Hibiscus Project in Port Dickson

During the period that Chang was dying, my daughter and I were also preparing for her public examinations.   It was a stressful period. I could have chosen to focus on my daughter instead of completing his blog. It was my spouse who encouraged me to complete his blog after a visit to Chang. So, it is not me who is kindhearted but my spouse. The almost daily visits to his house and the blog did take quite alot of time away from my daughter but I think it is also a matter of priorities and whether we choose to help. Whether we are willing to sacrifice our time to take care of another person's needs, when it is appropriate to. His death was followed by my mother's illness. She was hospitalised and now needs homecare. So, a break was overdue.

a hermit crab from the beach

For many years of my life, I did not know the meaning of the word relaxation. I heard people around me telling me to relax and thought it meant to take more holidays. However, after many holidays, I still did not feel "relaxed." It was only on one particular day, some years back at Port Dickson (again) when I fell asleep on the beach that I realised that I had really relaxed and what it felt like to be "relaxed." After that, that same feeling became my barometer for relaxation!

I realised that it was not which holiday destination I went to but rather the state of mind I brought along with me, wherever I went. I could be at The Datai Langkawi but if I carried along a harried and hurried attitude, a head full of thoughts and worries, my body and mind would not get any break. How simple yet why did it take so long for me to realise that? 

I grew up with a family of anxious, fast moving people whose motto was to "walk faster, eat faster and everything faster" It was so ingrained in me that it became my way of life. (I shall write on childhood conditioning and baggage in a separate post). That was the only pace of living I knew. Being fast was going to keep me out of trouble so naturally I hurried. If I kept everyone waiting, there could be repercussions and I could be left out of certain activities and no child would risk that.

In my career, being fast and efficient became very rewarding. But I became saddled with more and more work. It definitely brought me promotions and career achievements. However, the word "relax" still eluded me. I have found that there is no end to the chase for more achievements and more money.  My mind, instead of being focused on the present moment of appreciating what I already have, becomes centered on the next thing and the next. There is no end and no break.

Many of us are chasing and chasing in this rat race. At the end of the day, where is all this getting us? Why is it that we have to postpone really living to the future? Why is it that we can only be happy after........we get that promotion, that new baby, that first million, when our children have grown up? Are we not entitled to be happy as is, in the present moment? Finding the happiness amidst the imperfections of life.

I told Chang I did not understand his concept of working like crazy to earn all that money so that he could retire a monk. It sounds very noble but does that not sound so contradictory in itself? If monkhood were so important, would it not make more sense to start practising the qualities of a monk first whenever one had the opportunity and gradually slip into the role?  Practise the heart of monkhood rather than putting on that monk label and robe. Cultivating oneself in body, speech and mind, daily meditation, kindness, less materialism etc. Why postpone to the next life to be a monk? Why not this life? Why not now, if you really have the heart? Why start living only when circumstances become perfect? Is there such a thing as perfect circumstances?

Most of us think too much. our minds have to work overtime to cope with our busy lives. The inner dialogue goes on all day. The relentless thinking burns up alot of energy and we get exhausted. Furthermore, out thoughts are driven by emotions - usually underlying fear, anger or desire. It is exciting but exhausting. And the stress builds up. We have a threshold for the stress we can cope with and remain well. When this threshold is crossed, we find it harder to cope and become vulnerable to becoming unwell.

It makes more sense to claim whatever happiness we can have right at this moment. And if on that particular day, when things gets too much, make it a point to step down from that conveyor belt of stress to wind down. It takes effort but listening to one's body is an important part of loving oneself. A simple cup of tea, a walk or yoga works wonders. And stay in the now rather than focus on getting more and more.