I would like to share the following poem with you by the poet, Kahlil Gibran. It is a reminder to us that our children are not our possessions or chattels. That even though we bring them to this earth, make great sacrifices for them and in some cases, even sacrifice our lives for them, we do not own them. All that money spent on them is given freely on our own accord out of our love for them as parents.
Some parents assume that they own their children and that their children have to spend their lives being indebted to them. They use their sacrifices to make their children feel guilty and to control them. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that children should be disobedient or have no obligatons to take care of their parents. Children's obligations to parents arise naturally from their love and gratitude not guilt. I have seen cases of parents trying to coerce their children using guilt and their children end up doing their bidding not out of love but much resentment.
If we see that our children have their own paths, we may be able to appreciate their uniqueness and gifts more. We are less judgmental and we can spend less time doubting them and trying to make them conform to our expectations. We allow them to be. And that is one of the gifts any parent can give their children.
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Values of a society change over time, for better or worse. Chinese family values have changed a lot. In ancient times, the family unit was the most important uniting force. We are all very familiar with the Chinese concept of filial piety. The head of the family rules the family and each of the family knew his/her position withing the family unit. It is so strictly structured, that there is no room for insubordination. Of course we still have remnants of such rigid family hierarchy in certain societies.
ReplyDeleteToday, the family structure has changed. Western values on family structure have crept into Asian family values. Each family pattern has its strong points as well as flaws. We just need to adjust with the times, and maintain a good balance in our family relationships.
Just my 2 sen of personal point of view.
Dear Justin,
DeleteHow true?
CF
Our society is getting more fragmented, not easy to bring up a child decently. All is not lost if we do our part by imparting sound values and guidance to them.
ReplyDeleteEvelyn
Dear Evelyn,
DeleteCant agree more. We have a harder task ahead of us.
CF
Let’s face the facts. Not everyone in this world is born equal.
ReplyDeleteJust like your hand, fingers are of different lengths. Some of them are long, some are short. Children are also the same. Some of them love you more, some love you less. Sons tend to be close to the in laws and daughters tend to love their parents more but not necessary in that order.
It is not about how much money you shower your children, rather it is the little things that matter. How many times have we heard that the children respect their parents, yet their parents are not their friends. How many times have we heard that parents worked very hard and brings back the food on the table yet they are so distant from their kids.
Children these days are very different. They have their own opinions on social issues and able to make judgements. As parents, we need to change our mindsets and try to think, evaluate and form opinions just like them. We have to communicate with them and help them make informed decisions. The days of “Lord of the House” is over. We need to be their friend. Ironic, is't it?
I often ask myself, will my kids take care of me when I am old? Well..when my parents are alive, I often gave them money every month. But does that mean that I am a filial son? Honest answer and only after my parents had passed on, I realized that fulfilling duties and obligations does not equate to love of your parents.
If you learn to accept these facts of life, it would be a lot easier to grasp what goes around you.
RG
Dear RG,
DeleteIt is especially true that parents esp fathers who fulfill the traditional role of provider to bring food back, may end up lonely people because they have not spent the time to build a relationship with their kids. This I have seen from personal experience.
This is the million dollar question many parents ask themselves also, whether their kids will take care of them. My friends are of the view that it is best not to depend on them to take care of us when we are old, though it would be very good if it happens.
CF
The malay peribahasa "Melentur buluh biarlah dari rebung" holds true for our children. When they are young and pliable, it is the time to nurture and guide them. They tend to follow what the parents do.
ReplyDeleteLiving in an extended family with our parents or in-laws is a fine way of creating that synergy because from our actions and selfless responsibility, the children learn harmony and togetherness.
However, we have to remind ourselves that we (including our children) are all visitors to this planet. The time we spend with them and they with us gives us the opportunity to give and receive love unconditionally.
Fond memories of time spent with our parents and children are what is left when our parents passed on or when our children has left the nest.
So, treasure whatever time we have with our parents/children. Look at their positive traits and always welcome them with an open heart.
Kenneth
Dear Kenneth,
ReplyDeleteWell, our Health Minister Datuk Liow Tiong Lai said today that more retirement villages, nursing homes and mobile care providers will be set up to cater for the elderly in the next few years. That seems to be the direction our society is heading now. And how many couples want to stay with their in-laws nowadays especially the younger generation?
CF
Dear CF,
ReplyDeleteI hv the benefit of hearing from a British friend of mine who complained the older generation no longer believe the young ones are getting so 'bad' and he having worked in Asia before actually said the oriental way is better.
I believe we Asians are near there and the fact we tell ourselves we don't own the children, is in fact a way to ensure we don't need to feel too disappointed, after all, one shd decide his own's mood.
I fully agree with RG, when my mother was alive, and when I was then busy with my career, I did what most people did; only when she passed away and I am into retirement did I realise what sort of life she lived, but unfortunately no way to undo,
There is this chinese proverb of the raindrop from the roof WILL drip on the exact spot, meaning how we treat the parents, the children will treat you in an identical exact manner,
Hope rain drops bring you happiness
KokPiew...
Dear Kok Piew,
ReplyDeleteIronically, Kok Piew I am one of those people who subscribe to the "old values" of taking care of my parents but unfortunately my mom thinks that staying with a daughter is a "loss" of face for her. And she equates money with love.
CF