49th Day (Part Three of Three)

This is the last message Chang wrote to his family the weekend before he passed on (top 5 lines only). His handwriting was no longer legible. The bigger words below were the handwriting of his family who tried to decipher what he wrote but no one could make it out.

I visited Chang often starting from end August till September 11, the day he died. Initially, I thought of updating his blog every few days. Because of his condition, Chang left everything to me.  I suppose he was relieved that the blog was being updated at all. After seeing the number of viewers reading minutes after I posted an update, I felt the pressure. At first, I would visit him together with my husband after dinner but I realised that it might be a bit late for him and his family. So, I decided to drive to his house during lunchtime to check him out. We hardly spoke during those times because I did not want to tire him. I spoke mostly to his family to get updated on his medication, constipation problems and any new symptoms. The longest time we sat together was when I read him the readers' messages.

He spent most of the time with his eyes closed and requested for almost constant massage of his abdomen area.  It was obvious to me that he had read up and prepared himself for this end stage of his disease. Consistent with his character, he seemed to have everything under control.  He made arrangements with hospice, to borrow the hospital bed and other medical equipment. He also gave instructions on the administration of his  medication  and his needs until  the day he was unable to communicate. He would spray his lips with water when it was too dry. He asked for iced water and  watermelon, yoghurt or ice-cream because he felt so hot inside. There were times when he would ask when his next dose of morphine would be because he felt the pain but it was not time yet for the next dose. There was a silent understanding that this was a waiting period........ for the end. And  the deterioration towards the end was quite rapid.

I could see that he was mostly a considerate patient. There was no drama, no whining or shouting despite his pain. He just quietly went through the entire process. I admire him for that. The irony is that you see the beauty in a person in their toughest moments.

I inadvertently went through an intensive course in watching the dying process. It was almost surreal. Those visits were filled with mixed emotions.  Watching the terrible suffering a human being has to endure, I wished to help but felt helpless to do much. I was reminded of the fragility and vulnerability of my own human condition.  The very impermanence of my own life and my own fears.  Then, there was the sadness of losing a buddy but on the other hand, the wish that he could go swiftly so that he suffered less. I finally decided that the best I could do was to let him know that he was being supported by many and that his struggle had been a meaningful one, through the readers' messages.

I was already on my way to visit him that afternoon when I received a message from his wife. Chang had passed on.  As I looked upon his dead body, what I saw was a  physical shell. For those few minutes, it felt as though time had stood still. I felt peace, a great reverence and surrendering to life.

We take the business of life so seriously, struggling with our worries and our many neuroses. Have we ever wondered what it is all for? At the end of our lives, we have to surrender everything, our life, our ego, our possessions, our loved ones.. It became profoundly clear at that moment, that there is nothing so big a deal that we need to stress ourselves over, fight with each other over or cannot forgive. Life is precious. Chang fought to the very end to keep it. Treasure what we have, live fully and  be happy.

* *I hope you have enjoyed this 49th day series.