Those Teenage Years

Just two days ago, I chatted over lunch with a lovely 21 year old girl. Lily is a university student, working temporarily to earn some pocket money during her semester break. Though it was our first conversation, she was very candid with me. Our chat touched  on her teenage years and how she handled her school life. The subject of boy-girl relationships was the core of our conversation.

I think the teenage years are years of surging hormones, discovery and experimentation. There is a strong need for acceptance from peers. Everything is new and interesting especially the opposite sex. During this time, they can be rather short-sighted and costly mistakes  made. While it is natural and healthy to have an interest in the opposite sex, I know of teenagers who have had relationships at the expense of their studies.  Lily admitted that she has regrets because she could have done much better in her studies, had she not been involved with her boyfriend whilst in school.

Lily revealed that she wanted to confide in her mother but  felt she couldn't. She thought her mother was too strict and  would object. According to her, she would also like to be able to discuss sexual issues with her mother. I totally empathise with her situation. I could not confide in my mother too when I was her age. Now, I am sitting on the other side, as a parent. I asked her what she would do differently if she were her mother.  I shared with Lily, lessons that I learned on hindsight from my teenage years.  She said that she wished she could talk to her mother in the same way, as with me.

I think there is somehow this great divide between most parents and their children. As a parent, how would you react if your 16 year old schooling daughter shares that she is thinking of being sexually intimate with a boy? Or when your 15 year old son tells you he has met a girl he has romantic feelings for and intends to start a relationship?

I face the same dilemma many parents do. There are certain behaviours which we do not condone. Yet how do we not allow these differences to come  between our  relationship with our children? How do I guide my child yet communicate my views across without sounding imposing and judgmental? Because in order to get someone to confide in us, we have to create a safe environment where they know they will not be judged. Sharing allows us to connect on a deeper level. We may then have the opportunity to teach them something that will help them navigate their lives.

As parents, we have to put our fears aside so that we can participate in our children's lives. It is a journey of discovery and experimentation too, being a parent. There is much to learn.